Jauh Di Sudut Hati

 

Sayang, 

Ku bawa jauh rinduku,

Kerna aku telah tahu, 

Kau bukan milikku,

Sayang, 

Sesungguhnya bukan mudah,

Menjalani hidup ini, 

Tanpa kau di sisi

Jauh di sudut hati, 

Aku masih bermimpi,

Mimpi yang indah,

Esok kau kembali

Jauh disudut hati, 

Ada waktu-waktunya,

Aku berdoa,

Kau pulang semula

Sayang, 

Biarku mengingatimu, 

Biarku gantung harapan,

Hingga sampai waktu,

Nafas terakhirku

P/S : Rindu tidak tertanggung :'(

Sensory Memories

The body is a living camera,

It continuously takes snapshots of life,

Then at random moments it will send recaps to the brain,

Relive the past for a short while.

The gloomy morning today,

Brought in gusts of chilly wind brushing my skin,

Almost made me reflexively reach out to you,

As I used to before. 

I wish I could control the weather, 

Or at least turn off the recaps function of my body, 

It seems that everything is calling me back to you,

There has not been a day that I don’t miss you :(

Confabulations

The way our brain works, 

It would always try to protect its host,

Memories of the past would slowly fade, 

Or simply lose its actual meaning

Those memories which do not bring us peace 

   would be filtered with new narratives,

Faces of those whom we used to love

   would either fade or become less attractive,

Happy moments of the past 

   would be askewed to seem ordinary 

Then the brain would tell its host 

   that this not confabulation, but reality

The end goal would be: 

  We would not be haunted by guilt, 

  We would not miss the past, 

  We would tell ourselves we did nothing wrong, 

The brain creates a safer, comfortable new reality. 

But deep deep down, 

Buried underneath all those filters, 

Under all of those layers of confabulations,

Honesty prevails. 

We did have magical moments,

We wrote letters to each other on the same day, 

We both cried underneath under the shower, 

We did love one another. 

Sorry brain,

You have to work harder to protect your hosts. 

How Long Has It Been?

It has been a month since your last letter,

It still tears me inside out,

Knowing it is all I have of you. 

The Reason

I’ve been asking why I detached,

Spent lonely nights thinking about the reasons why,

Months of contemplating, 

But I finally did it, why? 

I was happy, 

I was whole,

But I left anyway, why?

Not a single thread of hatred,

Not even a droplet of anger in my cup,

But why did tears come out whenever I looked up? 

Then I realized that all I wanted was,

For you to call it what it really was,

We used a lot of alternatives to express our feelings,

Care, proud, missing, longing, 

And a whole list of other adjectives 

To describe what it really was. 

It was love. 

We can deny it as much as we want,

But why does freedom feel like a burden?

Why does leaving feel like dying? 

And I realized that above all that,

All I wanted was for you to be happy,

I wanted you to be free,

Free from guilt of loving your freedom,

Free from me. 

So there I was, letting you go,

Knowing that sincerity comes with a hefty price,

I’m still paying in instalments,

That I could barely afford,

So be free baby, be happy. 

Delulu

My delulu acik is admitted again.

Its her 4th admission in two months.

After being stable for many many years,

This relapse seems to be so hard to recover from. 

Each time she comes back, 

It’s like meeting a new person.

The way she looks at me now is different.

It used to be filled with joy and happiness. 

Now all I could feel is her emptiness, 

A masked sorrow filled with hopelessness. 

I hope we both recover from the wars in us, 

My dear kind delulu acik. 

Prayers

I hate the fact that I still pray for your wellbeing,

For you to find everything that I could not give,

And that you would be safe and sound, 

Loved and cherished

I hate the fact that I pray that I could forget you,

Because in my attempt to forget I remember you more,

I see you in the rain, I see you in my tears, 

I want to forget but I say your name in my prayers