Play it cold

"When you get what you want, but not what you need..."

Sometimes in life, we are clueless. Don't feel ashamed when you do. Well at least, I'm not. I've read enough to generalize that at one point in life, EVERYONE goes through that period of time when life seems a little extraterrestrial. I've had a few moments like that myself. Like now, for instance, I'm clueless.

I'm here in Egypt, surrounded by great housemates, superb friends, supportive family, but there is this tiny winy hole in my heart/brain that seems to be hollow. What was it that filled that little space? Was it love? Was it god?

Like all the clueless people out there, I am in search for what's within. What is the thing that I really want? And all the rhetorical questions pop out like annoying advertisements in porno websites.

"Who are you, really?"
"Why are you here?"
"Who are you trying to impress?"
"When will you be happy and fulfilled?"
"What is happiness and fulfillment?"

Relationship-wise, I am starting to think that I am hanging my hopes for happiness on the wrong tree. Somehow it is unreachable, hence, I am at a point of giving up. Is it worth waiting? Are you worth the pain? This time, cupid really did hit me hard, but his second arrow missed you. I want to give up, I want to move on. I am weighing my options. If giving up is as painful as continuing to hope, I'd rather hope and suffer. But, why is it so hard to give you up when you're not even mine? (now is the moment you point this out - why would you feel pain if you give up? Doesn't that mean you are still hoping? Have you ever tried giving up, Syam?)

After crowding my thoughts with inner conversations that traverse a very short and fast route between my heart and brain, I begin to wonder; Is it you that I really want and crave for? Or is it just my reflex mechanism against indirect rejection(s)?

I am clueless.

But one thing I know, I love you.

Even though you don't love me the way I love you.
Even though you don't see me the way I see you.

I am clueless, confused with my own actions. I don't know what to do. And I'm sorry for loving you and making things hard for you. Do know that these feelings come naturally. I've never nurtured them, or started them consciously, nor have I encouraged these longing for you, and in fact, I respect the boundaries and stash all my feelings for you. I don't know, I just do. I just... love you.

I'm praying for my pain and sufferings to fade, for my inner peace and calm.
But at the same time I can't stop myself wishing that you have feelings for me too.

But, I do want to see you happy. You have such a beautiful smile. My consciousness tells me that I don't deserve that smile, and it shall never be mine. So here I am, playing it cold. Hoping for the impossible, and ultimately, clueless.