Tak tau nak luah kat mana.

At work, my job is almost exclusively to talk to patients. At home balik je my lonely aunt expects me to hold small talks over dinner, while watching TV, while doing dishes. Le bae expects me to facetime masa drive, masa free, sebelum tidur. 

Is it like too much to ask for just a portion of time for my own in a day? Or maybe a few days. Its exhausting. Entertaining others’ needs is draining. 

Bukan mahu cakap I am not grateful or I wish to be single or I wish for a house to live alone. No. I am not that antisocial. I am blessed to have people loving me. I feel grateful. But why is it so hard for me to tell them that I sometimes just want my brain to stop thinking, to just stop from having to make small talks, making idle conversations. I just want a break. A time for me to be on my own, do things that I want to do ON MY OWN. Obviously can’t watch movie or read books or even doodle while on facetime? Instead of having to focus on one thing, now I have to focus on 2? And lets not talk about porn. Pffft. No privacy at all. Good thing i guess? 

When you routinely talk to people, as your job, you adversely try to avoid having routine-like conversations outside your working hours. I don’t know about others, but I do feel I need to avoid routined behaviours especially in relationship because it makes things dry. Surrrreeee the other half can’t get to understand this, too proud to acknowledge something is off. Too proud to admit routine facetime is a disaster. Too proud to actually admit that they believe a few missed calls or not facetiming at night means the whole relationship is going down the drain. 

Clearly. You have boundaries issues. This part i have been contemplating to tell you because we all know how disastrous your reaction would be. 

Can I just have a normal day without feeling guilty. A day where I can enjoy doing my things (that includes doing nothing) AND at the same time you actually enjoy doing something on your own (or doing nothing on your own) and not sulk on the cam guilt-tripping me into believing i have been a bad boyfriend for fuckin loving doing nothing on my own.