Goodbye

1st March 2025

Ending the sad chapters. 

Goodbye

I wanted to get you flowers today

I wanted to get you flowers today,

As you took a big step heading a new way, 

But I didn’t.

Because I am afraid you would hate them,

Or maybe because I just shouldn’t, 

So instead I kept my boundaries,

Saying the moon is pretty tonight,

Because in poems its a clear confession,

But you wouldn’t know that,

The little small braveries,

Small courage I pulled in your plain sight,

So instead I write my feelings down,

Hoping that one day you’d find them,

And knowing you were my love’s anthem

Good morning!

Wake up feeling fresh,

Clean up the house, 

Throwing out the trash,

Watching the clouds swim by,

Rays of sunshine peeking through,

Draw the curtains, 

Oh the sky so blue,

Saying to myself “What a view!”

A cup of iced coffee,

Two slices of toast,

And then a warm bath,

Smell of fresh rose,

Warm towels to dry my skin,

Put on some clean clothes,

Lovely weather,

The world glows

Strings of Heartstrings

You pluck on my heartstrings,

To the tune of your picking,

Tugging and pulling the cords, 

And i shall dance as you wish, 

Scraped feet and bruised knees, 

Round and round on the dance floor,

Where kings were fools, 

And fools were foolish, 

Behind closed doors, 

Tears went unnoticed,

Every drop halted at the edge of my eyes,

Between painful steps,

With a dagger in my ribcage, 

And you kept plucking,

On strings of my heartstrings

Say That I’m Your Favourite

Write me a poem,

Wear something blue,

Tell me something random,

Tell me something new,

Say that I’m your favourite,

Give me your hands,

Say something true.

Don’t buy presents for my birthday,

But give me roses at random times,

Say that you don’t need reasons,

Say you won’t fade away,

Make me believe I’m the one,

Tell me you’ll go out of your way,

Say my smile is enough to make your day.

I don’t need much,

But I need contentment,

To know you’d go the distance,

As far as I had been going,

For your hands to do the giving,

And for once let me do the receiving,

Then maybe, just maybe I’ll stay

Detachment

 Slowly detaching myself,

From feelings and desires,

From longing and heartaches.

I need more. 

I need everything. 

I’m not settling for less. 

Nampak macam kuat

 Rapuh. 

Bila Rindu Itu Salah

 

Semua tentang kita, 

Ada di dalam kepala, 

Tak pernah diusik atau dilupa,

Cuma wujud dan ada,

Terkadang sepi menyakitkan,

Tak pasti mana yang lebih pedih,

Pahit kerana cinta, 

Atau pahit kerana tiada cinta, 

Yang pasti hanyalah kenangan, 

Sisa-sisa waktu yang semakin pudar, 

Bukan kerana benci,

Tapi kerana sayang,

Bila hati terlalu yakin, 

Perpisahan jalan terbaik,

Kemudian akal berbisik, 

Leaving was a mistake, 

Adakah kekosongan ini berbaloi, 

Berbanding dengan kesedihan?

Aku tak pernah pasti, 

Rasa berdosa kerana terlalu berani, 

Meninggalkan seorang sempurna, 

Kerana tak mampu menanggung kekhilafannya, 

Tapi dia insan terbaik, 

Dan aku bukan untuknya.  

Hancur

Lelah Untuk Menangis

Biarlah aku seorang menyimpan segala perasaan,

Akan ku kunci segala isi hati, 

Walau jadi racun, biar jadi toksin, 

Tanam sedalam-dalamnya, 

Biar tidak kelihatan walau secalit kekesalan, 

Rasa gelisah menempuh hari-hari keseorangan,

Kesepian yang membelenggu malam

Biarlah aku mengubati hati sendirian, 

Jernihkan segala kekeruhan dengan doa, 

Dengan harapan akan kembali senyuman, 

Yang ikhlas tanpa perlu mengaburi tatapan,

Kerana ku tahu jalan kita sudah tidak sehaluan, 

Jika diteruskan yang tinggal hanya kesedihan,

Aku perlu lalui semua ini sendirian

Andai dapat ku putar waktu ke masa silam, 

Akan ku halang segala perhubungan, 

Tidak ingin menjadi punca kerosakan, 

Tidak ingin memberi kata perpisahan, 

Tidak ingin menerima kebencian, 

Biarlah hidup keseorangan, 

Dari menghancur sebuah ikatan

Kembali menatap langit suram, 

Di saat dunia lena tenteram,

Mata ini enggan terpejam, 

Terlalu asyik menghitung detik jam, 

Terlalu kering tidak selesa, 

Terlalu pedih bila terbuka,

Terlalu lelah untuk menangis,

Managing Expectations.

I am okay with not being happy. 

I just don’t want to feel sad.

It feels okay feeling empty. 

As long as it is not sad. 

:)

Tak tau nak luah kat mana.

At work, my job is almost exclusively to talk to patients. At home balik je my lonely aunt expects me to hold small talks over dinner, while watching TV, while doing dishes. Le bae expects me to facetime masa drive, masa free, sebelum tidur. 

Is it like too much to ask for just a portion of time for my own in a day? Or maybe a few days. Its exhausting. Entertaining others’ needs is draining. 

Bukan mahu cakap I am not grateful or I wish to be single or I wish for a house to live alone. No. I am not that antisocial. I am blessed to have people loving me. I feel grateful. But why is it so hard for me to tell them that I sometimes just want my brain to stop thinking, to just stop from having to make small talks, making idle conversations. I just want a break. A time for me to be on my own, do things that I want to do ON MY OWN. Obviously can’t watch movie or read books or even doodle while on facetime? Instead of having to focus on one thing, now I have to focus on 2? And lets not talk about porn. Pffft. No privacy at all. Good thing i guess? 

When you routinely talk to people, as your job, you adversely try to avoid having routine-like conversations outside your working hours. I don’t know about others, but I do feel I need to avoid routined behaviours especially in relationship because it makes things dry. Surrrreeee the other half can’t get to understand this, too proud to acknowledge something is off. Too proud to admit routine facetime is a disaster. Too proud to actually admit that they believe a few missed calls or not facetiming at night means the whole relationship is going down the drain. 

Clearly. You have boundaries issues. This part i have been contemplating to tell you because we all know how disastrous your reaction would be. 

Can I just have a normal day without feeling guilty. A day where I can enjoy doing my things (that includes doing nothing) AND at the same time you actually enjoy doing something on your own (or doing nothing on your own) and not sulk on the cam guilt-tripping me into believing i have been a bad boyfriend for fuckin loving doing nothing on my own. 

I need me

You are your only healer, 

No shamans, no doctors, 

Just you. 

Put yourself first. 

Love is not enough

Some scars are too deep to heal,

the bleeding stops,

the pain disappears,

but the wound is visible, 

a bump on the skin that cannot be unseen

Some pain are irreversible, 

the impact subsides, 

the pain disappears, 

but the memory is there,

a torn in perfection

Sometimes love lasts forever,

stored in a distant memory,

not meant to be lived,

not meant to be real,

just a painful reminder of scars, pain and self-destruction

You seemed happy with your friends

But never too happy with me. 

That sucks. 

Cuddle Weather

When it rains,

And the temp just right, 

Feels like a good time to be happy,

But somehow your favourite weather isn’t enough, 

When nothing you do seems to be enough,

And everything you say is met with a frown, 

I feel like a jobless clown, 

Trying to impress an imaginary crowd

All I want is 

a sincere smile, 

a secret hug, 

a longing gaze,

a sincere heart,

a deserving heart. 

It hurts

It hurts not being the reason for your lover’s smile. 

It hurts to constantly fail at making your loved one laugh.

It hurts to want to feel hurt because it feels wrong,

It hurts feeling like a failure everyday. 

They say breaking up from a would-be relationship shouldn’t hurt

I’ve been on this journey for quite some time,

I know which fights I should pursue,

And which ones I should give up on,

There are things that the heart wants,

And should be prioritised accordingly,

While there are things that the heart needs, 

And shouldn’t be compromised. 

I’m not asking for much,

Just a fair game play, 

One with a consistent set of bylaws,

One that doesn’t change its rules as you wish, 

For you can’t need me only when you want to,

For I can’t miss you only when you let me to,

For things can’t be nice only when we feel they should. 

Call me selfish, call me a fool, 

I can’t stop what I feel, nor do I want to,

Some things need be said, 

because they clutch at the heart,

Like a bad seed down your throat, 

Choking you but its not fatal,

Do I wanna feel choked all the time? No. 

Call me a dreamer, believer of fairy tales,

Wishing for love and kindness each and everyday,

But it wasn’t me who believed in magic, 

It wasn’t me who believed in non-consequentialism, 

It wasn’t me who thought I could get away,

It wasn’t me who thought things were okay because I said so.

They say breaking up from a would-be relationship shouldn’t hurt.

Because none of it is real.

But it hurts nonetheless, 

And the loss is very much real,

And these tears are real too, 

But sometimes… sometimes love alone won’t do, 

Its the bitter truth no one is ready to face 

Broken

So broken

And torn

And thinned

Could’ve just disappeared into thin air

But here I am

Broken, torn and thinned out. 

Not the same person.

I used to beg,

I used to hope,

When broken, tried to mend, to cope,

Fed with lies and more lies,

Couldn’t keep up with the dust in my eyes,

Soft on the inside, 

Weak on the outside, 

Manned up for the wrong things, 

Patching up broken wings, 

But that was then, 

That was before,

Not the same person anymore.