Pretender

I believe I am such a good liar that whatever I say seems to be so convincing, even though the things that I say are so far away from the truth. I keep too many things inside, that sometimes I feel like I'm living another world. A world full of deceit and dishonesty.

I pretend like I don't care, but the truth is I care more than anyone else in the world. I tell people I'm fine, but my closest friends know I'm not. Therefore I am very grateful to have some of the most understanding friends in the world.

As you all may know, secrets aren't easy to be kept. They have a will of their own. A will to be made known to whoever the secrets are being kept from. They scrape your insides, forever wanting to get out. The thing is, nobody knows what would happen if they do get out. They are called secrets for some reasons, no?

I don't know how long can I hold these scrapings and scratchings. I really don't.

Play it cold

"When you get what you want, but not what you need..."

Sometimes in life, we are clueless. Don't feel ashamed when you do. Well at least, I'm not. I've read enough to generalize that at one point in life, EVERYONE goes through that period of time when life seems a little extraterrestrial. I've had a few moments like that myself. Like now, for instance, I'm clueless.

I'm here in Egypt, surrounded by great housemates, superb friends, supportive family, but there is this tiny winy hole in my heart/brain that seems to be hollow. What was it that filled that little space? Was it love? Was it god?

Like all the clueless people out there, I am in search for what's within. What is the thing that I really want? And all the rhetorical questions pop out like annoying advertisements in porno websites.

"Who are you, really?"
"Why are you here?"
"Who are you trying to impress?"
"When will you be happy and fulfilled?"
"What is happiness and fulfillment?"

Relationship-wise, I am starting to think that I am hanging my hopes for happiness on the wrong tree. Somehow it is unreachable, hence, I am at a point of giving up. Is it worth waiting? Are you worth the pain? This time, cupid really did hit me hard, but his second arrow missed you. I want to give up, I want to move on. I am weighing my options. If giving up is as painful as continuing to hope, I'd rather hope and suffer. But, why is it so hard to give you up when you're not even mine? (now is the moment you point this out - why would you feel pain if you give up? Doesn't that mean you are still hoping? Have you ever tried giving up, Syam?)

After crowding my thoughts with inner conversations that traverse a very short and fast route between my heart and brain, I begin to wonder; Is it you that I really want and crave for? Or is it just my reflex mechanism against indirect rejection(s)?

I am clueless.

But one thing I know, I love you.

Even though you don't love me the way I love you.
Even though you don't see me the way I see you.

I am clueless, confused with my own actions. I don't know what to do. And I'm sorry for loving you and making things hard for you. Do know that these feelings come naturally. I've never nurtured them, or started them consciously, nor have I encouraged these longing for you, and in fact, I respect the boundaries and stash all my feelings for you. I don't know, I just do. I just... love you.

I'm praying for my pain and sufferings to fade, for my inner peace and calm.
But at the same time I can't stop myself wishing that you have feelings for me too.

But, I do want to see you happy. You have such a beautiful smile. My consciousness tells me that I don't deserve that smile, and it shall never be mine. So here I am, playing it cold. Hoping for the impossible, and ultimately, clueless.

Rumah Sakit

Rumah sakit (read : Homesick)

I believe this disease hits almost everyone who studies abroad, at least once a year. Being 8000km away is not as hard as it seems, but when the sickness comes, there's no running from it except to Allah for his guidance. These are the times when I recall those times when I saw mama's tired face after working, and aunty's sad face when I lost her car. I feel guilty for not making them happier, for being such burden to them. Even sadder if I recall those happy moments when I was a child, pampered here an there, such high hopes in their eyes. Can I live up to their expectations, what can I do to give back?

Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting too much time studying when I should be working and helping the family physically, and economy-wise. Instead, here I am, strutting around waiting for monthly allowance for paying the rent and food etc etc.

Only Allah knows how great their sacrifices had been to bring up this imperfect boy-man. I will try to make you guys proud. God knows how, but I will try. Love you two.

Jazakallahu khairan kathir
May Allah grant you goodness

You're not my muse anymore

Promises,
You break them like they're cheap glasses,
Just like my heart its now in pieces,
with you nothing is in their places

Misery,
You brought my life such misery,
I thought you were meant for me,
Didn't know you were on with many

I don't wanna wake up to your shadow,
What's left of you is just sorrow,
You darkened my life,
You saddened my dreams
Now we're nothing but broken wings,
We were up so high,
When you chose to let go,
Now I'm back on the ground,
Spared my torn ego,
I won't look back,
You're not my muse anymore

Fantasy,
You and me were just fantasies,
I was pain and you were agony,
Destiny's now just memories

Demi cinta

Andai inilah waktunya,
nadi seakan terhenti,
nafas seakan terseksa,
cintamu pudar dihakis masa

disini jiwaku membatu,
mencuba menahan waktu,
mencuba menahan tangis,
saat kau pergi dari diriku

Ku harap kau berbahagia,
walau kisah cintaku tak sempurna,
senyumanmu lebih berharga

pergilah dari hidupku,
tak perlu kau lihat dukaku,
semuanya rela ku tempuh
demi cinta..

disini hatiku membisu,
cuba memegang janjiku,
cuba memegang sumpahku,
takkan pernah melupakanmu

Cukuplah hati dihiris dengan harapan

...cukuplah hati dihiris dengan harapan

I won't give up on us