The Reason

I’ve been asking why I detached,

Spent lonely nights thinking about the reasons why,

Months of of contemplating, 

But I finally did it, why? 

I was happy, 

I was whole,

But I left anyway, why?

Not a single thread of hatred,

Not even a droplet of anger in my cup,

But why did tears come out whenever I looked up? 

Then I realized that all I wanted was,

For you to call it what it really was,

We used a lot of alternatives to express our feelings,

Care, proud, missing, longing, 

And a whole list of other adjectives 

To describe what it really was. 

It was love. 

We can deny it as much as we want,

But why does freedom feel like a burden?

Why does leaving feel like dying? 

And I realized that above all that,

All I wanted was for you to be happy,

I wanted you to be free,

Free from guilt of loving your freedom,

Free from me. 

So there I was, letting you go,

Knowing that sincerity comes with a hefty price,

I’m still paying in instalments,

That I could barely afford,

So be free baby, be happy. 

Delulu

My delulu acik is admitted again.

Its her 4th admission in two months.

After being stable for many many years,

This relapse seems to be so hard to recover from. 

Each time she comes back, 

It’s like meeting a new person.

The way she looks at me now is different.

It used to be filled with joy and happiness. 

Now all I could feel is her emptiness, 

A masked sorrow filled with hopelessness. 

I hope we both recover from the wars in us, 

My dear kind delulu acik. 

Prayers

I hate the fact that I still pray for your wellbeing,

For you to find everything that I could not give,

And that you would be safe and sound, 

Loved and cherished

I hate the fact that I pray that I could forget you,

Because in my attempt to forget I remember you more,

I see you in the rain, I see you in my tears, 

I want to forget but I say your name in my prayers 

Unsent messages

 So my bestfriend texted me today, asking how are things on my side. I told him of the ups and downs. The weather, eateries, roads, gym, all of which had traces of that lovely oud smell from BBW. Perhaps its just me. My world stopped when I lost my northern star. But for everyone else the universe still spins, undisturbed by my halted existence. 

How do I make my clock tick again? 

How do I make my heart beat again? 

Bagaimana kalau aku tidak baik-baik saja? 

Hows your day?

Hi, I’m Syam

(Hi, Syam)

And I am an addict. 

(Applause)

(You’ll get over this)

(Proud of you for admitting you have a problem) 

(So proud!)

I was happy. 

I truly believed that leaving my old habit would make me less miserable. 

But I am not happy.

I am more miserable than ever. 

My mind keeps on repeating the good times,

The excitement that I went through,

I miss it. 

I miss all of it. 

I miss my old self when I was still consuming,

I can barely sleep without sleeping pills,

Antidepressants barely work, 

(Silence)

And the grief comes in waves, 

Each time like icy wind enveloping me,

Makes me lose track of time,

Zoning out in cold emptiness,

Dissociates from reality, 

Wishing for a time machine to exist,

So I can undo my mistakes,

I’m lost. 

And I lost.

(Thank you Syam for sharing)

(Group hug)

Why

 Why am I not enough.

Hello

Hello,

How was your day,

The rain was long and the sky was gloomy,

Just the way I love it, 

I get so tired easily these days, 

People talk about how tiring it is to confront things,

Nobody said anything about the immense energy,

That it takes to avoid confronting them. 

There’s this void,

A vacuum, 

A hole,

An emptiness I can’t begin to describe,

It gets bigger in time,

Pushing aside happiness and hope,

Like a tumour of some sort,

A space-occupying lesion, 

That eats the host from within. 

Cue play Back to December by Taylor Swift.

P.s : 

I hope Allie is still a great distraction,

And Sherry is still of great annoyance.

My delulu acik has been discharged, and I don’t have anyone to distract me at work. I hope she is happy with her imaginary husband. Or boyfriend. Whatever floats her boat.