Nampak macam kuat

 Rapuh. 

Bila Rindu Itu Salah

 

Semua tentang kita, 

Ada di dalam kepala, 

Tak pernah diusik atau dilupa,

Cuma wujud dan ada,

Terkadang sepi menyakitkan,

Tak pasti mana yang lebih pedih,

Pahit kerana cinta, 

Atau pahit kerana tiada cinta, 

Yang pasti hanyalah kenangan, 

Sisa-sisa waktu yang semakin pudar, 

Bukan kerana benci,

Tapi kerana sayang,

Bila hati terlalu yakin, 

Perpisahan jalan terbaik,

Kemudian akal berbisik, 

Leaving was a mistake, 

Adakah kekosongan ini berbaloi, 

Berbanding dengan kesedihan?

Aku tak pernah pasti, 

Rasa berdosa kerana terlalu berani, 

Meninggalkan seorang sempurna, 

Kerana tak mampu menanggung kekhilafannya, 

Tapi dia insan terbaik, 

Dan aku bukan untuknya.  

Hancur

Lelah Untuk Menangis

Biarlah aku seorang menyimpan segala perasaan,

Akan ku kunci segala isi hati, 

Walau jadi racun, biar jadi toksin, 

Tanam sedalam-dalamnya, 

Biar tidak kelihatan walau secalit kekesalan, 

Rasa gelisah menempuh hari-hari keseorangan,

Kesepian yang membelenggu malam

Biarlah aku mengubati hati sendirian, 

Jernihkan segala kekeruhan dengan doa, 

Dengan harapan akan kembali senyuman, 

Yang ikhlas tanpa perlu mengaburi tatapan,

Kerana ku tahu jalan kita sudah tidak sehaluan, 

Jika diteruskan yang tinggal hanya kesedihan,

Aku perlu lalui semua ini sendirian

Andai dapat ku putar waktu ke masa silam, 

Akan ku halang segala perhubungan, 

Tidak ingin menjadi punca kerosakan, 

Tidak ingin memberi kata perpisahan, 

Tidak ingin menerima kebencian, 

Biarlah hidup keseorangan, 

Dari menghancur sebuah ikatan

Kembali menatap langit suram, 

Di saat dunia lena tenteram,

Mata ini enggan terpejam, 

Terlalu asyik menghitung detik jam, 

Terlalu kering tidak selesa, 

Terlalu pedih bila terbuka,

Terlalu lelah untuk menangis,

Managing Expectations.

I am okay with not being happy. 

I just don’t want to feel sad.

It feels okay feeling empty. 

As long as it is not sad. 

:)

Tak tau nak luah kat mana.

At work, my job is almost exclusively to talk to patients. At home balik je my lonely aunt expects me to hold small talks over dinner, while watching TV, while doing dishes. Le bae expects me to facetime masa drive, masa free, sebelum tidur. 

Is it like too much to ask for just a portion of time for my own in a day? Or maybe a few days. Its exhausting. Entertaining others’ needs is draining. 

Bukan mahu cakap I am not grateful or I wish to be single or I wish for a house to live alone. No. I am not that antisocial. I am blessed to have people loving me. I feel grateful. But why is it so hard for me to tell them that I sometimes just want my brain to stop thinking, to just stop from having to make small talks, making idle conversations. I just want a break. A time for me to be on my own, do things that I want to do ON MY OWN. Obviously can’t watch movie or read books or even doodle while on facetime? Instead of having to focus on one thing, now I have to focus on 2? And lets not talk about porn. Pffft. No privacy at all. Good thing i guess? 

When you routinely talk to people, as your job, you adversely try to avoid having routine-like conversations outside your working hours. I don’t know about others, but I do feel I need to avoid routined behaviours especially in relationship because it makes things dry. Surrrreeee the other half can’t get to understand this, too proud to acknowledge something is off. Too proud to admit routine facetime is a disaster. Too proud to actually admit that they believe a few missed calls or not facetiming at night means the whole relationship is going down the drain. 

Clearly. You have boundaries issues. This part i have been contemplating to tell you because we all know how disastrous your reaction would be. 

Can I just have a normal day without feeling guilty. A day where I can enjoy doing my things (that includes doing nothing) AND at the same time you actually enjoy doing something on your own (or doing nothing on your own) and not sulk on the cam guilt-tripping me into believing i have been a bad boyfriend for fuckin loving doing nothing on my own. 

I need me

You are your only healer, 

No shamans, no doctors, 

Just you. 

Put yourself first. 

Love is not enough

Some scars are too deep to heal,

the bleeding stops,

the pain disappears,

but the wound is visible, 

a bump on the skin that cannot be unseen

Some pain are irreversible, 

the impact subsides, 

the pain disappears, 

but the memory is there,

a torn in perfection

Sometimes love lasts forever,

stored in a distant memory,

not meant to be lived,

not meant to be real,

just a painful reminder of scars, pain and self-destruction