Let me remember you this way

Let me remember the best of you,
We were both in white,
Your smile made the stars envy,
As i hugged you from the back,
Then you kissed my forehead,
Held my hands and kissed my lips

Let me remember the best of us,
The tears we shared together,
Warm nights so perfect,
Coldplay crooned softly,
When we were together the moon shone brighter,
How my heart bloomed silently

Let them be preserved that way,
Let me remember you this way.

Mute

if love needs actions,
then how does an infant love,
if love needs proof,
then how do prophets love
if love needs sounds,
then how do the deaf love,
If love needs words,
then how does a mute love

there is no possible way for you to know just how much I love you

It feels like a movie

When you walk down a busy road,
with songs in your ear,
people pass you by,
but the only thing that matters,
is the song you're hearing,
and the path you're taking,
it feels like being in a movie,
the typical scene where the actor feels numb,
not taking in anything the senses offer,
just walking through the crowd,
and thinking why does loneliness linger,
when the world is bursting with sights and sounds,
the only one that you see,
is the only one that you wish to be with,
to hold your hand and walk together slowly,
how beautiful our smiles would be.

Reader's Request

one of my kind readers thought that it would be great if i post a video of myself reciting my own poems. to make him/her feel my words better, he/she said. why not. so here it is. =/

Wahid, One, Satu,

You start counting seconds, hours and years,
After something good happens,
To see how long the good thing lasts,
And later to recall how the good thing started,
That is what normal people do

I count the seconds, hours and years,
After something good died,
To see how long I could last,
And hoping to forget how it ended,
Norm to me, abnormal to you

December 10th, 2011

We only live once

We only live once,
Youth comes and goes,
No room for grief,
No space for sorrows,
What we have now,
Are the things we'd recall later,
I want to get old without fear,
Traipsing contently towards the skies,
With nothing but my smiling eyes,
Loving, and beloved

When death parts my soul from my body,
I wish that my tomb is void of sadness,
No room for grief,
No space for sorrows,
Let the world know I was happy,
And happy enough to depart forever,
For the world was a nice place,
A nicer place awaits in the hereafter,
Let the goodbye tears be happy ones,
Because we only die once

Silly Thoughts

What could've been so wonderful,
is now buried deep deep down,
lost in memories of sad sad things,
a hope so so high,
that fell so so hard

What should've been so fulfilling,
is now an eerie eerie hole,
borderless and very very deep,
an emptiness of great great vastness,
filled with air of cold cold sorrow

What would've been my greatest comfort,
is now my terrible terrible grief,
longing for the far far away,
begging love from the wrong wrong people,
given choices with sad sad endings

if toys could talk

If toys could talk,
they'd ask you take them everywhere,
cry when you put them down,
and they'd tell you how happy they are,
everytime you play them around

when you bring a new toy home,
they'd tell you how jealous they feel,
they'd scream at the sight of the new collection,
some would try to reason with you,
and the new toy would ask "who're they?"

and if you ever break their arms,
they'd say 'its okay' but really they are afraid,
will you ever love them the same,
are u going to stop playing games,
for broken toys are left under the bed

p/s : how could toys express their feelings when humans are still learning to do so

Lagu Cinta

Ku butuh teman menulis,
Bukan beribu tetapi satu,
Satu lagu yang bisa bercerita,
Tentang hidup, tentang cinta

Indahnya Hati Melayu

Though I'm doing medicine, I'm a huge fan of the Malay literature. Its our heritage. Long before blogging and facebook were introduced, Malay culture taught us the very basic of self-expression - through poetry. There is this technique called "bahasa kiasan". It is an old Malay art of expressing one's thought without being too direct, simply said, a classy way to define one's mind.

Malays are very hypocritical to a certain extent. We refuse to wear our hearts on our sleeves (referring to the old ways), as the heart is free to feel anything, and most things felt in the heart aren't necessarily accepted by other individuals, or at times ungodly. But sometimes, we do find the need to get messages across without embarrassing ourselves. Hence the art of "bahasa kiasan".



For example,


"Anak tiong, tiong juga,
Manakan sama anak kedidi"

"Enggang sama enggang,
pipit sama pipit"

These two stanzas have but one message - You should know where you belong.




Another example,


"Bak teratai/kiambang, nampak seri akar tak jejak" 

In a nutshell - Something that shouldn't be counted on as we don't know where it stands.






The two stanzas below are excerpts from a song called "Embun Setitik" (A drop of dew). The song has a very deep meaning to it. I love these kinds of songs which seem obviously hogwash to those who don't get the messages between the lines.

Teratai taut berpayung mekar,

Putik berbalam serinya,

Hujan ribut gunung terbakar,

Embun setitik padam apinya

Mawar intan berkembang,

Sejambak budi bawa bersajak,

Datang tuan bagaikan kiambang,

Nampak seri akar tak jejak

Believe it or not, the one above describes a person who hides his/her feelings well. Sometimes anger and sadness consume the mind, but the rage would subside easily when that someone is around.

The one below tells us that when we love someone, a simple gesture of kindness from that particular person  means the world to us. Alas, the person is mysterious and might not love you the way you love him or her.

Indahnya hati Melayu.

a little bit of this, a little bit of that.

I've always thought that I could overcome any obstacles in life. That everything could be put in the past, that all mistakes could either be mended, forgiven, or stored in a distant square on the edge of my memory block. The truth is, however, some mistakes aren't meant to be undone, nor could it be forgiven, and are always at my hand's reach, in sight.

There was a time when I hated a person for not loving me the way I had hoped. Now I've realized that love, trust and affections aren't easily obtained, no matter how much you try to force them down the throat. Some pieces of the puzzles just won't fit the whole picture, an error that could not be repaired. Though I have really tried my best to channel my thoughts and affections to the ways that I used to follow, it didn't work out. I thought I needed time to adjust myself to the new circumstances, but it felt like I was exerting too much effort to actually feel anything at the end of the day. Love shouldn't be that hard.

There is nothing else I could say or do. I'm tired of leaving things hanging in the air, not knowing where or what  to step on. Our lives have been stagnant for far too long. It is time to move on (really move on) and start anew. Sorry may not be enough, not even appropriate in fact. We should stop blaming each other, or anyone for what has become of us. I really need to stop feeling sorry over everything. I really really wish to stop getting hurt by the same things over and over again, and above all, I wish to stop hurting you with my presence.

I really don't wish to hate anyone (ok this is a lie. there is someone i really hate, but let's not go there), or being hated by anyone, especially by someone whom have shared precious moments with me in the past two years.

Call it insufficient, or inappropriate... I'm sorry.

Love Note

Dear lover,
The heart that you're eyeing is very fragile,
Do not touch it if you're not a serious buyer,
Be gentle as it hasn't got any owners for a while.
Its an antique and has gone through the mills,
Maintaining it can be a boring business,
It needs care and attention that spills

Dear lover,
Be careful with my heart,
I'm tired of putting it back together,
For when it breaks its pieces fall far apart
And worse it would never be as it was before,
Some tiny parts would go forever missing,
Like some ugly scars with no cure

Mungkin

Cuba lihat awan di langit itu,
Perlahan berlayar di lautan biru,
Tiada henti membelah angkasa,
Tiba waktu ia kan sirna,

Seperti juga bulan di langit tinggi,
Meminjam cahaya sang mentari,
Indah nian di malam hari,
Tiba subuh ia kan pergi,

Lihat pula si bongkok tua,
Sudahlah bongkok bertongkat pula,
Gagah menyahut seruan yang Esa,
Tiba waktunya terlena selamanya,

Air di tasik yang tenang bak kaca,
Sekali diusik cantik alunnya,
Cantik itu hanya sementara,
Tiba kemarau keringlah ia,

Lihat pula diri kita,
Seperti pohon bertangkai dua,
Terbiar layu di tepi kemboja,
Mungkin sudah tiba masanya

Messed Up

As i breathe in this tobacco,
I see myself from another's eye,
Man why am I so messed up,
Constantly waiting for the surreal,
Like a horse by a dry pond,
Waiting for water to magically spring

These endless yearnings are killing me,
Why was it never this hard before,
What had changed?
There was a time when I've had options,
Happiness came in bulks,
I had the first pick for everything

Is this what growing up means?
Having to wait for the good things,
Call me impatient, I don't care,
I never had to wait this long,
Nor was I ever this lost,
This road is confusing

Life is like a hot, tiring journey,
There isn't any pit stop to rest,
We don't run on fuel,
So there is no excuse for a break,
Every baby is cursed with problems,
Was my curse stronger than others?

As i put off this cigarette,
I came back into my own messed up self,
Trying to think straight,
But all I see is my bed and pillows,
Will resolve my problems tomorrow,
Didn't I say that last night?

Its one of those nights

There was a time when nighttime was beautiful,
The moon smiled and the stars danced,
Clouds were scarce,
Majestic skies above me

The air was just right,
Not too cold nor too warm,
Crickets were my symphony,
Loneliness was fabled dreams

These days dusk is a drag,
The same moon doesn't smile anymore,
The stars are stupid stationary lights,
The sky looks heavy and sad

The air is never right,
Always chilling me to my core,
Crickets' songs are nuisance,
Loneliness is a tireless company

There Will Come A Day

There will come a day,
When you would realize I had been right all along,
You would want to settle down and steer the right way,
Perhaps you would even find a guy like me,
Who is honest enough to tell what is yeay and nay,
For your happiness I shall always pray

There will come a day,
When you'd feel so lonely and cramped,
Everyone you call friend wouldn't give a damn,
You'd be lost as I was and happiness would decay,
Life without trust and honesty is hell,
You face smiles but really, you're an empty shell

There will come a day,
When you'd feel sorry for what you've done,
Sorry for putting pride and selfishness in front,
Viva la vida lonely ranger,
Do know that this parting is forever,
Grieves and tears won't bring back the years

There will come a day,
When I'd regret knowing you,
All the love spilled, and all the time we wasted,
What I'd regret most is the fact that you will change course,
You'll be a better person through and true,
But when that day comes, I'm no longer yours.

I've been nineteen once. Been there, done that.

Secret Lover

The term "secret lovers" is a bullshitt thing.

Have some pride in your partner.

Waja silver WLE 4090 hilang

Ada orang curi kereta aku di McDonalds Drive thru SS15 Subang Jaya
Proton Waja (metallic silver)
WLE 4090

If you spot this car anywhere, do call 999 and extend to SS17 Subang Jaya Police Station.

Ku haus di tengah laut,
Lemas mencari tempat berpaut,
Kirimkan aku kekuatan,
Tetap pedoman di kesesatan

Ku sunyi dalam gembira,
Perit pedih tanggung derita,
Sungguh aku bukan wali,
Yang suci dari hina dan benci

Isi Te_p_t Kos_ng

Hidup ini satu ujian,
Soalannya mudah nian,
Sepotong kata pilihan beribu,
Yang betul cuma satu

Bagi setiap persoalan diri,
Tempat kosong perlu diisi,
Setiap jawapan cerminan kehidupan,
Apa ke kiri atau ke kanan

Bila fikiran mula buntu,
Tidak diteliti isian itu,
Mula terngiang di cuping telinga,
Usah difikir hentamkan saja

Bagi setiap soalan yang salah,
Akan mula berangkai masalah,
Makin lama makin susah,
Padah mengambil jalan mudah

Ada ketika jawapannya jelas,
Tetapi ego dan pendirian di atas,
Sengaja diambil jalan berliku,
Tidak mungkin akhir ketemu

Isi tempat kosong itu,
Satu yang betul dari beribu,
Terus ku selak kamus alam,
Hanya yang satu ku idam-idam

Terma & Syarat

Penentu polisi dunia adalah kau,
Hakim segala bicara adalah kau,
Penentu rasa bahagia juga adalah kau,
Pada kau, segalanya berkisarkan kau

Segala undang-undang engkau cipta,
Demi ketenteraman kau seorang sahaja,
Tiada erti empati juga simpati,
Yang kau pentingkan ego sendiri

Yang bercanggah pendapat kau label musuh,
Ide yang berbeza dipandang keruh,
Berkerut dahi bertutup telinga,
Yang bukan darimu tiada nilainya

Bukan sekutu yang kucari,
Bukan musuh yang aku wakili,
Tetapi terma yang kau tulis kejam,
Dan syarat yang kau beri berbau dendam

my pillars.

Have you ever met people who weren't biologically related to you, but they seemed to think and act like they were your long lost siblings or twins. Well I have. I have been blessed with people whom embrace me through my ups and downs, guide me when I'm lost, support me when I'm weak, and they are always there. We do have our differences in preferences and ideologies, but nothing stands in our friendship's way. It has been more than 6 years since I first met these crazy yet adorable people, and we go stronger by the day. May Allah keep us this way till the day when we close our eyes forever.

****

Have you ever heard a saying which sounds like this - "when someone leaves, somebody better will take up the mantel". Thank you for accepting me, flaws and all. And for always being there. You know who you are.

****

Have you ever gone through a night without any sleep because you are waiting for a phone call? Well I have. Didn't get any sleep last night coz mama was admitted to hospital due to some problems with her urinary system. I kept praying and praying that everything would be fine, then I decided that I couldn't stay at the Shah Alam home and rushed myself to her bed at the emergency ward at 4am. Seeing her so weak and vulnerable made me recap all her sacrifices and how strong she looked when she was healthy. Mama, please be well soon. =(

BERSIH vs. 25JAN

As a student studying in Egypt, I guess I do know the Arab Revolution early this year a bit more compared to those people in Malaysia who were spoonfed by the international media. I have been wanting to draw this comparison between Gabungan Pilihanraya Bersih dan Adil (BERSIH2.0) and the Egyptian Revolution (25JAN) for as long as I can remember. The thing that inhibited my fingers from typing this post out before this was the fact that I doubted BERSIH2.0's intention.

As we all know, BERSIH2.0 is greatly supported by the opposing parties, Pakatan Rakyat (PR). I had this small tiny winy thought that BERSIH2.0 might be one of their methods to gain the public support to overthrow the BN government like the Egyptians throw their own Mubarak government, and the citizens are merely pawns who'd get beaten up by the police, caught by ISA, attacked with tear gas in the open demonstration in the streets of Kuala Lumpur.

Like a cloudy day, shadows don't hang around long. My doubts were gone early today when I found out that they are going to divert the rally to Stadium Negara. This is good news. Because the idea of doing the assembly in a stadium came from the government, and BERSIH2.0 took it with an open heart. Democracy prevails. A very good news.

So what is the difference between BERSIH2.0 and 25JAN?

25JAN was held to overthrow the government. Specifically the president, Hosny Mubarak. Mubarak was in power for more than 28 years, corruptions everywhere, failed to improve his people's lives and in fact oppressed them openly. 25JAN's sole demand was for Mubarak to step down.

BERSIH2.0, on the other hand, does not demand anything from the government, we still believe greatly in democracy, and the people's faith in the BN government is not totally lost. At least BERSIH2.0 has the courtesy to not directly defame the government with its demands. The only party that should be greatly feel ashamed by BERSIH2.0 is SPR. Everyone should be aware that SPR is NOT under the government's wing. It is, or in this case, it should be free of any influence. The SPR should be transparent, not only for the current government, but for all the governments that come, as long as democracy is practiced in Malaysia. BN supporters are more than welcome to join BERSIH2.0!

To some who greatly annoy me by saying "we are still students, why bother with politics?" or simply "I malas campur", let me say that you all are being extremely ignorant and selfish. Whatever food that comes to your table depends on politics. Whatever education your children get, depends on politics. If you don't give a damn about politics, it means you are simply enjoying the benefits that others worked hard for.

Sadly, the students in Malaysia aren't allowed to involve in any kinds of politics. This, is bull's arse. Remember the older people used to say that the youngsters are the leaders of the future? Just when is the future exactly? Instead of keep saying it, why not hand it over already? I am doing medicine, will end my life as a student at the age of 25. I shall work as a doctor for 3 years, then later perhaps continue my studies for another 5 years or so, then do my sub-specialist course and finally stop studying by the age of plus minus 35. All these years, since i was aged 7 to 35, I am not legally permitted to be involved in politics, constantly under fear that my scholarship is to be retracted from me, fear of ISA etc2.

Funny enough to know that my scholarship is said to be given by the government, when it is really tax payers' hard-earned money. I hate it when people assume the government is a permanent thing. It is not. That is what democracy is all about.

Tell me, if the youngsters are really the leaders of the future, then why the hell the youngest member of the cabinet today is 45?

check this out.
a message by Ku Li




P/S : BERSIH2.0 is not a political movement. it is merely asking for a fair competition in the elections (don't you think its funny it is actually being asked for when it is really basic human right?). I may not be involved in politics, but I can surely give my opinions on the matter, and since I'm 22, i have the right to vote =)

Are we Malaysians that weak?

I am utterly sad hearing my good friends plan to give up their citizenships because they believe that New Zealand, Australia and the U.S could provide them better living standards. What with the continuous political storm banging the country, the endless debates on racial quotas and meritocracy. They keep on pointing out that people in Singapore have 4 times our GDP per capita, better education and amenities.

Simply put, many plan to leave the shithole for fresher air.

I am not going to judge them for their decisions nor would I condemn any of it. They have the right to do so, especially the ones whom skin are a tad too dark or far too fair. The country's social contract is indeed oppressive and lopsided.

Patience, my friends, is a virtue.

Its true that Malaysia is the humbler, slower runner on the Asian track. When we were still proud of the 488m KLCC, Dubai's Burj Khalifa had already reached 1.2km. When we finished building the largest airport in SEA, Singapore opened its new terminal beating us by a few football fields in size, not long after that Suvarnabhumi pushed us to the 3rd place. Still, we can be proud to be the home of the most prominent low-cost carrier in Asia. Though it is a somehow less glamorous category, we do have something that tops other people. Lets hope it stays that way for a long time.

Remember the Malayan Union? Believe it or not, historians believed that it was perhaps our only chance to be like the current Australia or New Zealand. Our forefathers, however, chose to take a harder path. To be independent completely and be off the Brits' hands peacefully, to rule on our own. It was perhaps one of the boldest, and craziest decisions an Asian country had ever made in the 1950s. Malaya was a vast, damp mining site with little chance to be developed. Perhaps Britain even laughed at the idea of uniting 11 states (10 in peninsular, including then-Singapore. Sabah and Sarawak joined later), most of which had been exploited, left with scarce valuable minerals, and no industrial developments whatsoever, save some small cities here and there.

Despite the raised western eyebrows, despite the lack of technology and poor government funds 54 years ago, we managed to survive. We crawled slowly, and later learned to get up and stand on our own. It wasn't a miracle. It was the strong bond which bound more than three races together under one flag that moved the country's muscles, pulled her tendons and stabilized her walk. There wouldn't be the now-Malaysia without the Malays being expert at agriculture, or the Chinese who strengthened the tradings both locally and internationally, or the Indians who worked hard in the rubber estates, and in the long run produced many prominent doctors and lawyers.

***

Yes, sadly, Malaysia is always the underdog in the extremely competitive world today. We have rich natural resources and plenty of professional labors, yet these are not enough to please everyone. Other countries are developing much faster forward into the future, and our eager citizens refuse to be left behind and prepare to leave their birthplace and playground because they believe they deserve something or someplace better.

Tell me my friends, did our forefathers forsake this land when they had the chance? After May 13th 1969, did the Chinese lose hope on the constitution? A scar it was, but we didn't lose hope. We fell bloody on that day and the stain is still seen today. But just a stain it should be, nothing more.

Yes, the government today is far from being transparent, nor it is efficient and in fact democracy is starting to bleed again. We, the citizens are actually alone in the world. Isolated from true friends. Those who are willing to help us have ulterior intentions. The fate of our nation's future is indeed in our hands. Letting her go when she needs us most is like leaving a couple of biscuits on the table to go mouldy and blame the air, the humidity, the weather, the temperature and a thousand other things, when we could've and should've stored them securely in a jar before it went bad in the first place.

Patience, my friends, is a virtue.

What we lack today could be made up by having some faith that the future could be brighter. Our airport is one of the lousiest today, but do recall that it was once the most glorious in the reigion. KLCC fell a few ranks below but do remember that it used to be the tallest building in the world.

We were once the best at these, but now we aren't. Don't despair! Look at it from another point of view. We did put Singapore beneath us once, mocked Bangkok's airport, complained Dubai was too hot, had nothing but camels and belly dancers to attract tourists. That was then, they fought and beat us in the match.

Are we so easily defeated? Do we just abandon the competition and leave as sour losers who change jerseys at the turn of things? It is ironic when parents nowadays tell their offsprings not to change girlfriends/boyfriends often, don't change jobs easily, don't change cars just because you can, don't change clothes if it is still clean, even. But when it comes to change passports, parents can actually loosen up and support it.

If i ever have a son one day, insyaAllah and his school bores him, I'd tell him to change his attitude, not change schools.

Harapan

Salju Kasih-Nya

Dingin dalam jiwaku,
Disirami salju kasih-Mu,
Kususuri jalan-Mu,
Walau ranjau berliku,
Cinta-Mu abadi untukku

Tenang saat merindu,
Tafakurku di hadapan-Mu,
Deraian airmata gugur dalam sujudku,
Betapa agungnya cinta-Mu

Gelora silam tak bisa terpadam,
Namun harapan menggunung di hati,
Gelora kasih tak mungkin terluput,
Kerana hatiku merantau jauh,
Ingin bertemu dengan Mu oh Kasih

Rinduku mencengkam jiwa,
Sebak dada tiada tertahan,
Hanya pada-Mu Tuhan,
Kuserah diri ini,
Pohon cinta-Mu nan suci hakiki..

Bila Malam...

Ku tenung jauh pekat malam,
Mataku pinar mentafsir bayang,
Semakin jauh fikiran terhanyut,
Mencari semua yang maya sifatnya

Dalam kesunyian deriaku hilang,
Puas ku toleh ke samping ke belakang,
Aku sendiri dan aku pasti aku sendirian,
Tetap ku dakap impian bingar

Tiba waktu cerahnya siang,
Kututup jendela penambah bayang,
Tidak bersedia bertemu cahaya,
Selagi belum kutemu mimpi

i don't love you more than you love me, but....

i sayang u jugak. just as much as you sayang me.

not more.
not less.

wanna be your equal. u are not my competition, u are my other half 

 

June 8th, 2011

Stuck on you

I am but a shadow,
Non-existent in the absence of matter,
A huge nothingness without light,
Insignificantly rooted to the bottom of things

I wander far and wide,
Mute, and searching for the purpose of life,
Indefinitely disappointing myself with failure,
For life is a gift I have yet to receive

There are times when I imagine happiness,
How would it feel to be noticed,
Not stepped on and to roam on my own,
Life is full of "what ifs" and I've asked none

Hot and cold mean arguably less to me,
But the light and the dark naughtily toy with my days,
Torturing me with ultimate uncertainties,
A never-ending game of order and obedience



.

So whaddya do when you're stressed out by exams?

For me, I simply stress myself more by studying. Just when my brain can't absorb any other things but porn to rest, I turn to MUSIC. Yes. Very GLEEK of you Syam.

Oh well, singing your ass out really does help you reduce your stress level, release more serotonin and dopamine, and then you'll be more active and somehow a few gigabytes of the wastes in your brain is freed and there you go, more space for more inputs.

I know that I don't sound as good as my other siblings or friends, but who the fuck cares. I just love to belt it out in the toilet, car, Markaz Alif Baa Taa etc2.

I've killed 3 papers, another 11 to go. KILL ME!

credits to the guitarist, Hazim Zulkifli

P/S : Rebecca Black, awas!

to meet, to part, and to meet again

 Port Klang. The place I fell in love with you

Hey you,
Remember that night,
We went to the sea,
I counted stars,
You were there for me

Hey you,
Did you notice me tremble?
The first time I held out a hand,
You took it confidently,
I tried to be cool as a real man

Hey you,
Remember the laughs we had?
The smiles we gave,
The tears we shed,
Those are the things I crave

Hey you,
Did you notice my voice shook?
The time you called was just right,
I was waiting for my luggage at the airport,
But really, I was waiting for your "sayang alright?"

Hey you,
I never had the chance to tell you,
My heart quivered at every touch,
Your smiles were candies,
Now I miss them so much

Hey you,
Though the time we spent was short,
The hours we had were countable,
I pray that our paths would somehow meet,
And hopefully then we are both single

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missin you...

Lyrics | Taylor Swift lyrics - Back to December lyrics

ilhamku kontang untuk mengarang (with Hanam Hamid)

malam semalam bulan mengambang
ilhamku kontang untuk mengarang


lihatlah pada bunga yang kembang,
cantiknya mekar ilham tak kurang.


bukan salah alam terbentang,
jiwa ini gurun gersang
       

sangka kau leka dek bulan dan bintang,
rupanya teringat wajah seseorang
       

belum hati dipunya orang,
bunga pujaan di taman terlarang
       

usah diingat, usah dikenang,
jodoh Tuhan takkanlah hilang.       


tidak rancang, tidak dikenang,
dalam tidur gurauan bayang,
tidak ku pinta akal melayang,
mendamba cinta seindah wayang

       
bukan ditilik air yang tenang,
dalam hati beralas sayang,
bukanlah milik empunya barang,
sekali dibiar selamanya berulang.       


air yang tenang dibiar tenang,
sayangnya hati dialas karang,
tampak indah di mata orang,
bukan hiasan alang-alang,
tajamnya nian bukan kepalang,
tiada yang sudi datang bertandang
       

makin dikarang makinnya garang,
sumbu pelita terlebih terang,
dibiar jiwa asyik mengulang,
disebut lidah tak pernah lekang,
ditanam di hati tak juga hilang,
bagai pagar tidak berpacang,
bagai kuda tiada dikekang,
selagi disebut harta terlarang,
barangkali meranap seluruh tiang,
hilanglah iman rosaklah ladang.       


pelita api dipasang petang,
makin lewat makin terang,
tiba waktu terangnya hilang,
yang tinggal jelaga di tiang,
ibaratnya ini igauan bayang,
makin dicanang, makin dikenang,
namun mimpi tak mungkin berpanjang,
kelak akan dimamah siang,
tak rela diri hidup seorang,
tiada teman usia ku usang,
hanya doa dan hidup dijuang,
di tanganNya pasrah ku bentang

___________________________________
Rangkap ganjil  : Syamsuddin bin Faruok
Rangkap genap : Hanam Hamid

a bridge

I am now crossing the bridge from my theoretical years of medical school to the islands of clinical studies. Exam starts tomorrow, and InsyaAllah, my last paper (the 14th paper, to be exact) will be on July 22nd. I am hoping that everyone who knows me would pray for my perseverance through these trying times, and of course pray for my success too.

The waters beneath this bridge is too treacherous, and if I fall, touchwood, the wave would send me back to the beginning of my 3rd year. Which is not cool.

*currently at the spa drinking milkshake and flipping through Parasitology notes on my laptop. I feel like an adult already. lol.*

pic credit to epul tampin

Khas buat B.P.

Padamu ku utuskan kalimah penuh perasaan
Untuk ku menyatakan apa yang tersirat di hatiku
Dalam tidak kau sedari kau hanya menyintaiku
Sedang ku mencuba melangkah pergi dari hidupmu

Kau... yang sering membahagiakan
Di kala ku kesedihan
Tak mungkin dapat ku lupakan

Ku... hanya ingin kau mengerti
Apa yang ku miliki
Cuma harapan yang sirna

Lupakanlah semua kenangan
Yang bisa buat kau bersedih
Sampai di sini saja cinta yang dipertahankan
Anggaplah ini suratan satu perpisahan
Maafkan ku andai dirimu terluka

..and more, much more than this...

I did it MY WAY

Chain Of The Universe

Pernah tak korang terasa macam cuba nak memahami semua yang berlaku di dalam alam nih? Pernah tak rasa macam kamu ingin cari segala sebab dan musabab bagi setiap perkara yang berlaku dan bagaimana setiap itu akan mempengaruhi masa depan dan keadaan sekeliling kamu? This kind thinking has been seen in almost every society in the world. Pening kan bila dah mula, its kinda of hard to stop.

Let me give u an example.

contoh 1)
Pernah tak jalan-jalan, dan nampak ada orang miskin minta sedekah. Kamu ada duit, dan rasa simpati itu ada. Tapi ada sesuatu yang menghindari dari bersedekah. Akhirnya kamu berlalu dan teruskan perjalanan. Pernah tak kamu fikir yang ada beberapa kemungkinan yang menyebabkan kamu tidak bersedekah tadi?

1) Allah telah menetapkan rezeki orang miskin itu bukan dari tangan kamu
2) Syaitan/nafsu berjaya menggoda kamu untuk tidak berbuat kebaikan
3) Allah telah menetapkan pahala bersedekah bukan milik kamu ketika itu
4) Kamu memang kedekut

contoh 2)
kamu seorang pelajar, tetapi malas untuk mengulangkaji. kadang-kadang rasa insaf dan buka buku, tetapi kemudian malas semula. Pernah tak fikir apa yang sebabkan kamu malas?

1) Allah menguji kamu dalam bidang istiqamah menuntut ilmu/ qada' dan qadar
2) Syaitan/nafsu berjaya melalaikan kamu.
3) Rezeki berjaya dalam exam bukan milik kamu
4) Kamu memang malas

then teringat this piece of ayat quran. Al-Aaraf, 14-17.

Iblis berkata, “Berilah tempoh kepadaku (untuk menggoda manusia) hingga hari mereka dibangkitkan (hari kiamat).” Allah berfirman : “Sesungguhnya engkau daripada golongan yang diberi tempoh (ke suatu amsa yang tertentu).” Iblis berkata : “Oleh sebab Engkau (wahai Tuhan) menyebabkan aku tersesat (maka) sesungguhnya aku akan bersungguh-sungguh menghalangi mereka (daripada) jalan-Mu yang lurus. Kemudia aku akan mendatangi mereka dari hadapan mereka serta dari belakang mereka dan dari kanan mereka serta dari kiri mereka. (Sehingga) Engkau tidak akan dapati kebanyakan mereka bersyukur.”

So basically we human beings are doomed sebab iblis akan berusaha goda kite dari kiri kanan depan blakang... But kita kena ingat yang Allah telah menetapkan qada' dan qadar. Kalau Allah dah tetapkan kita tergoda dek nafsu/iblis, are we defenseless agaisnt damnation?

“Truly, God does not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.” (Quran 13:11)

so yeah, its all up to us. menyalahkan qada' dan qadar is simply silly.



p/s: I'm typing without valid references of a proper teacher or books. merely by pondering and wondering my own thoughts. If I am wrong, do correct me.

I don't love you any less, but I can't love you anymore

How do I break it to my heart,

That its gotta get over you,

How do I learn to live apart,

From the one I gave my life to

Well right here, right now,

Better turn me inside out,

So I can just move on

So bring all the pain, let it kill your memory,

Bring on the rain, let it drown what's left of you and me,

I know the only way I'm ever gonna make it,

Is burying the best of us even though its killing me,

'Cause I don't you any less, I just can't love you anymore

How will I, learn to trust again,

If I can't forget you,

How will I, let a new love in,

If I'm still holding on to you

All these angry tears,

And those wasted years,

The only way I'll ever let 'em go

Is to bring all the pain, let it kill your memory,

Bring on the rain, let it drown what's left of you and me,

I know the only way I'm ever gonna make it,

Is burying the best of us even though its killing me,

'Cause I don't you any less, I just can't love you anymore

My long lost favourite quote

"Ain't a stalker, net's a b*tch"

Pawana Sampaikanlah Rasa

Orang berbangsa

Pancarnya telus ke hati

Orang yang mulia

Di hati kita

Bau harum di pagar berduri

Langkah menuju

Biasku jadi tak menentu

Ibaratnya labu

Menjalar ke hulu

Berdebu menuju yang satu

Gemerlapan cincin di jari

Memetik kecapi suaranya menawan

Cantik budi nampak berseri

Tentu ramai hati nan tertawan

Langit membisu

Kilat memancar

Hujan tak jadi

Songket kulipat retaknya seribu

Hiasan kasih

Kekal nan abadi

Jangan buat keje bodoh atas treadmill

Ni entry a-la Che' Det lagi ni... Sebabnya masa suntuk, dan exam dekat dah, and I need to kill two fucking hours before I can sleep (sebab tadi baru makan ayam bersiram (firakh mandi) kat Hadral Maut yang memang maut)

ni la firakh mandi (mmg nama die camneh) fi al mat3am hadramoot

1) Never leave your clothes in somebody's room. And even worse if the person locks his room everytime he goes out. Verdict, pinjam seluar track orang masuk lecture hall. mewriyyahhh.

2) It seems like it has become a necessity for every single Egyptian society in the Fac. of Medicine @ Z.U. to celebrate their revolution. Come on! Move on already. There are many other things that could be done to uplift the revolution spirit.

3) NEVER listen to Wondergirls' "Nobody Nobody" while you are on the treadmill. Mood nak buat nobody nobody tuh boleh datang bila-bila masa, and natijahnya, kaki terpele'ot dan tergolek, hence memalukan diri depan masyarakat.

Siti buek takpo. ekau atas treadmill, jangan buek kojo bodo

4) Everytime I look into the mirror, the first thing that comes out of my mouth is "Lovehandles, cepat la ilang". It has been a month since I joined the gym, somehow it is easier to grow muscles rather than shedding fat. Benci.

5) Exam is drawing ever nearer, alhamdulillah, I have all the support I could possibly hoped for from my classmates. Shaaaayang study group Class C. Studying in a group is a new thing for me. Never knew its this good. And many many thanks to doctor you-know-who from the pathology department for his guidance and tireless effort at teaching us the slides and jars. (tamau bagitau nama sebab nanti semua nk pinjam doc yang best nih. get your own!)

6) There is going to be an Arabian themed dinner this friday, and I haven't got anything that suits the theme. Tried out some stuffs. Tak macam arab, macam bangladeshi. pffft. Thank you super-hot egyptian sun.

7) Talking about the weather, this year's is definitely the best in my three years here. We have entered summer, but clouds are still around most of the times, and the wind is still cold. Alhamdulillah, please please continue being pleasant till August, or better, forever.

8) Tremco Zagazig - Mansoura is 4LE/ person. (used to be 3.50LE). Funny enough, somebody blamed Syamsuddin bin Faruok for going to Mansoura too often and made the tremco society think they should charge more.

9) Had a pharmacology test this morning, and it wasn't bad at all. =D sukeeeee. harap2 exam final kuar camtuh la eh.

10) My hands and feet are starting to be dehydrated and shedding at some parts. Need to buy cream/lotion. Someone remind me, please?

Eventhough I can't tell you I love you

Hmmm...

I see a car,

A red car in the middle of the road,

But a friend tells me that its not a car,

Its a lorry, and its colour is yellow,

I try to argue because that is what i see,

The friend says I only see what I want to see.

Peperiksaan Akhir Tahun

doa anda diperlukan. sumbangkan sepenuh hati.

I'm Sorry I Lied. But...

There was a guy who had a prostate cancer. He appeared to be extraordinarily normal, because he had told no one about his sickness. The cancer was still in an early stage, that it had three major possible outcomes. The cancer, if he was lucky, could be extracted and he would be cured forever. But in case he wasn't, he might lose his chance to reproduce, or worse if it was spread to other organs and like any other cancers, might cause his death.

Though he was aware of his state, he fell in love with a beautiful girl. The only girl that could tone down his ego and melt him.The pretty girl was also his best friend at that time. He loved the girl with all his heart, and confessed it indirectly in a poem dedicated to the girl. She was really the first lass who made him feel fragile and crave for her presence.

Alas, the girl had never been in love before and didn't know how to properly react to his obvious signs. For some reasons, she could not accept the guy at the moment. So she decided to tell him off and say that it was a "no". Like every other guy in the world, that guy made his first mistake here. With his sickness, he should've either told her "We should just be friends," or simply "I have a cancer and I might die". Things would've turned out better if he had. But he was a guy. His ego was at its peak, so was his stupidity. So he said "I shall wait".

For months he was being persistent and kept wooing the girl, till she finally opened up her heart to accept him. It was hard for her to do it, because she had never done it to any other guys before. For the first time, someone had cared for her, bought her flowers and gifts, called her just to hear her voice. She was, though she never admitted it so far, in love. So was the guy. He finally had found someone to share his life with. A very cool beautiful girl whom he loved so much that he'd do anything for her happiness. For a few months, they were inseparable.

Then one day, the doctor called him and gave him the prognosis of his cancer. He had it removed about half a year ago, but somehow the cancer cells still lived within him and had spread to other parts of his body. He was confirmed to be impotent and if it is not treated soon, he would be terminally ill and perhaps die. Though his life and death were already in his daily reminders, the only thing he could think about was his relationship with the girl he loved. They had only been together for a year, perfectly together, for a year. A bit too perfect to be doomed with a news like impotency and death.

He was troubled in his sleeps. What would happen to her if they go on being a couple and later get married, only to share emotional love without experiencing physical contacts? Even the religion prohibits that kind of marriage. He felt a lot less masculine and insecure. His emotional stress sometimes were to hard to contain and the girl would notice. Again, he hid the truth from her and told her it was all okay. Then he thought, what would happen when things are not okay and he lying "its all good" would be insufficient?

So he took a daring step to end the relationship. He tried to appear cool about it. And told her the truth. The truth about him being cursed to not have any girl by his side. Even more when he believed that the only girl whom he should be with was the one he was letting go. 

She asked him "Do you love me?"

Yes. Yes. YES.

He said "I liked you".
She said, "Perhaps its too late to say this, but I've begun to love you"

I love you too. More than you can imagine.

He said "I'm sorry"

Knowing that telling her the truth would complicate things and she'd cling on to a dying man, and he knew at that point, she deserved another man. A real man who could make her happy. So there he lied yet again.

A few months of a perfect relationship wasn't a reason good enough to make her suffer for the rest of her life. He hoped that she'd find someone better. Someone who wouldn't lie to her...

How to say this eh?

"kakak if you happen to read this, I remember when we were so much younger, we set up the plastic pool in our bathroom and we invented our very own Sunway Lagoon which was called, SHALIA LAGOON. We even invented a song for it. Siap gaya lagu untuk promotion. It was totally ridiculous and we grew up without wanting to talk about it at all. Kalau tercakap terus rasa malu. Sebab ape ntah nanti disgrace ourself ke ape ntah. Tapi sekarang, come to think of it, it will definitely be one of my favorite childhood memory with you, kak."

The excerpt above was taken from one of my dearest friends' blog, Aliah or better known as Al the lawyer. I really do admire her writings because I know people who follow her blog could really feel what she's saying. Its a rare gift. How many writers you know could write something that you can really relate to yourself. Experiences long forgotten, too trifle to be noticed. Something that you unknowingly deny experiencing, merely by not mentioning it ever. 

I know I'm blabbing here, but have you seen the movie "Mukhsin"? There was this scene where the kids play bride and groom (read; kawen-kawen!) and I thought hey i did that! COME ON!! Anyone born in 1989 or before should have experienced it, or at least mock some other kids for being interested in the idea of kawen-kawen. Kan? Kan?

Here I am, trying to imitate Aliah Kama and Yasmin Ahmad when it comes to conveying things to the public. I want my stories to be understood, as soon as they reach my audience's senses for the first time, immediately.

I want you to step into my shoes, wear my t-shirt and jeans and start living my life exactly like I show you here. Have you ever held somebody's hand for the sake of warming your own hands, pretending like its a life-saving situation but your intention really was just to hold hands with that someone. Then you never noticed when or how or why you started to care for that person. You start wondering how those particular eyes see and interpret you. Have you ever feel torn deep inside because the person that you wish to be with is right in front of you but you just can't possibly tell how you feel because things are so damn complicated. Have you ever watched a person you really care for sleep for hours, you feel like you really really really want to wake the person up and loudly say "I love you" but you never do. If you have, welcome to my life.

p/s : Aliah i miss you.
pp/s : Yasmin Ahmad, aint nobody like you.

As March Dies...

i just love rooftops.

IF

If I were to be born again,

I'd choose to be a toothbrush,

  sunglasses,

     a watch,

         a bed,

Something that you can buy,

I'd always be with you,

Because you need me..

Every single morning,

I'd be the first thing you kiss,

You'd need me to go out with,

And everytime you look at me,

I'd tell you the time,

No matter where you go,

You'd come back to sleep with me

If I were to be born again,

I'd choose to be your birthmark,

To show the world that you are mine,

A defect to your appearance,

Yet it makes you significant,

You're gonna hate and love me,

Together we are one.

Indonesia oh Indonesia...

Have ever felt utterly sick by a particular nation's actions? I don't know what they want to prove. Its like they're tryin to say that "hey byotch, u think u can do? i can do too u know". But the funny thing is, when we Malaysians innovate their arts peaceably, or claim sharing of identity on some of the Nusantara arts (in this case some of them were even here in Tanah Melayu long before the Republic of Indonesia was even created), they retaliate. Calling Malaysia as Malingsia and stuffs. Like we care.

This group really really really went against the nation's claim that they are original and creative. Thank you SM*SH. But really, you guys SUCK

oh, and tiba ada this funny parody from and by Indonesians. heeeee. not so blind are they.

...lonely

As I walked out the front door,
Rain caressed my hair,
I looked up to the sky and felt suddenly alone,
Nobody to shelter me,
Took a taxi and put on my earphones,
Rode the slow red car,
Waded through mud and water,
As more water sprinkled the windscreen,
Sad songs filled my ears,
Tried hard to hold my tears,
Looked down at my wet shoes,
Felt miserable and lonely,
Wished for a magic lamp to appear,
And grant my deepest desires,
To be at the back seat of that car,
With someone to hold my hand,
A shoulder for my heavy head,
A hand to wipe my fears,
And a voice to say this would all go away,
But the rain poured on,
And I was still next to the driver,
As lonely as ever

Betul ke DSAI ada video porno?

Tajuk nak gempak kan. Padahal baru 5 follower.. hahahaha... yang 5 orang ni ntah baca entah tidak aku merepek kat blog ni... anyway, pada seribu lebih discrete follower lain, hello korang  *cricket sound*

Daripada kita buat dosa mencerca dan mengkaji posisi ape Datuk Seri amalkan di atas ranjang, lebih baik kita berbicara tentang revolusi 25 Januari di Mesir... Yeap, hundreds died during the revolution period. Their motto was "better die for something than live for nothing". I was personally impressed at how united they were, regardless of religion and status quo. The power of unity brought a tyrant down after 29 years in office.

Not interested in their political state. I want to say a few words about the post-revolution people.

The Egyptians i knew were very afraid of speaking freely, afraid to voice out their anger (only to the government mind you) eventhough they were obviously, cruelly oppressed. I used to hear my friends said "We just accept what we have. And we are happy about it". But when I asked "Don't you want something better for your sons and daughters?", their replies were always "Shukurillah" (shukur pada Allah). Like there was nothing that could be done to change their destiny. 

But now, after Mubarak stepped down, I see light in their eyes. Hope is blooming once again.

Hope for a better future
Hope for a better income
Hope for a better life...

And they are not stopping at bringing down Mubarak and his government. Everyone is doing their part, no matter big or small, for the sake of being a better person at the very least. I see students campaigning for cleaner streets (though i did question what does a clean street have to do with the Mubarak regime..?), no more religious partitians, they now know their rights as tax payers, their rights as the sons and daughters of the nile and more importantly, no more kissing the government's ass.

Egypt is currently under the military-led temporary government. I just found out that the military power is not under direct control of the parliament. But the police force was, and still is. I see friendly soldiers guarding the streets with their rifles, riding tanks and smiling. No more scary looking police officers who looked like they'd imprison you for looking happy or something. 

And a funny sight in Zagazig is that I couldn't find a single picture of Mubarak, or Suzanne the wife anywhere in town. The people tore EVERY single one of them. Even the embossed sculpture of Suzanne's face on the Zagazig Public Library (a month ago it was Zagazig Mubarak Public Library) wall is now changed with the Egyptian flag. The rest of their pictures are either smeared with paints or simply mutilated. I am not surprised if the Mubarak Metro Station at Ramses Square is changed to something else. HAHAHA.

oh, "FU*K MUBARAK" is a common thing in the streets nowadays. Though it seems savage and vulgar and uncivilised to some of us, but who are we to judge their feelings and anger after being held hostage in their own homes for almost 3 decades.

ingat pesan tokmak, "tongah lomak tu bghonti"

Updates From Egypt

Updates from Egypt..

1) Sejuk sangat2... all my jackets except for one fancy trenchcoat were left in Malaysia... menggigil2 dekat airport, had to take out the trenchcoat... so jadik famous kejap coz it was awkward. anywayy... gaya itu memukau

2) Classes start on 20th of March. buat ape 5 hari? khatam movie2 dlm hardisk.

3) Semalam revise microbiology... omg. ape ni? camtu la kirenye... pitamlaaa

4) tak boleh dengar lagu "suatu masa" by m. nasir. sensitip. dont ask why.

5) i feel a bit torn these days. too many secrets fill my mind. feel like blowing up.

6) macam2 anugerah aku dpt this week "Anugerah Pelacur Lantai Tari", "Pelacur Kamera Paling Berhasil", "Perosak Rumah Tangga" etc etc. tatau nk letak trophies dekat mana

7) segala jenis minyak yang aku bawak dari Malaysia jadik keras. ok perlu plak citer ni kan.

8) Can't wait for Siti's english album

9) Zagazig penuh dengan kereta kebal. Cool wooh...

10) Locals tanye "kenapa kau balik time2 macam ni?" wtf sgt kan...?

11) Wisma Putra dan UMNO Selangor masih belum beri bantuan. sedih tawww.

12) Tertinggal my vitamins kat Malaysia T_T abis la kulit i !!!

whatever happens, jangan lupakan i

Andai mampu ku ulang detik waktu,

Akan ku tegur kau lama dahulu,

Tak akan ku bazir usiaku,

Menanti cinta sempurna mu..

Namun kita bertemu saat ini,

Disaat cintamu telah dimiliki,

Hatimu ingin ku curi-curi,

Tapi itu sekadar mimpi

Terima kasih cinta,

Kau beri peluang seketika cuma,

Untuk diri merasa bahagia,

Bersama insan yang sempurna

Kuharap nanti kan tiba masa,
Aku dan kau saling menerima,
Bercinta bahagia tanpa batasnya,
Ku tunggu waktunya tiba

Lie If You Must

I own a cruel heart,
I'm lethal like a poisonous dart,
I ride a unicorn,
My middle name is not forlorn,
I'm free as the wind,
I'm regal like a queen,

I dine like a king,
I have lots of rings,
I laugh like a child,
My spirit is wild,
I never cry,
I never shy,
I don't know pain,
I'm perfect like a saint,

I never sigh,
and I never lie. 

Whispered Truths

Burning earth beneath my feet,

Placing my steps on the coolest spots,

Comfort is hoped pain is inevitable,

Lost my way on this barren land 

Stars don't shine the path I take,
Life is what I seek death is what I meet,
My flesh scars and the blood clots,

Kingdom of heaven is just a fable,
A make-believe for creatures called men,
Nothing is real, and everything is fake.

Ni Kire Rasuah Ke?

Hello everyone, I am still thinking bout the concept I want to use for my new blog. But I think that shouldn't keep me from updating the posts right? *hello, baru 2 org je folo blog neh. mana lagi 50 lebih dari blog lama... =((((*

Anywayyyy, I am counting the days to my flight back to Egypt. Am officially sponsored by the Opposition-Led Selangor Government, and now I am queuing for some cash sponsor thingy by the UMNO of Selangor. I am indeed disturbed by the status of these contributions. I mean, they clearly have underlying intentions behind those gracious cheques. And there aren't that many political parties in Malaysia for me to choose from (haha, at least not as much as they have in Egypt and still Hosny Mubarak won majority by 96.6%. wtf sgt kan?). So now that I am eligible to vote in the coming general elections, Allah, help me choose wisely. Both parties, in my opinion, have their flaws.

If I were to choose any of them, would that be considered as a bribe? I know that if I don't choose any, I'm not doing my part as the citizen of this beautiful country.

... or perhaps I am thinking wayy too much. The money that they contribute aren't that much after all. Enough for some Zara or Topman. *pitam*

Anywayyy,

I've found a good use of the money I got from UMNO. This book called "Tun Mahathir : A Doctor In The House" was released earlier today. I know it is controversial, and perhaps might be banned later like "The Malay Dilemma". So I better get one today. Yeay! Excited to hear about DSAI's sex scandals!

Till next time. 

Bagaikan Burung Phoenix Bangkit Dari Abu!

Awas dunia, Syamsuddin Bin Faruok tak mungkin lenyap dengan mudah dari dunia penulisan bebas. The song says it all. Welcome back, myself. Awas dunia!